I haven’t played Pokemon since X and Y,
but a lot of you so-called grownups act like it hasn’t existed since
2016, when you all remembered how things were twenty years ago at the
height of Pokemania. And those of you that have stuck with it through
the transition from monochromatic, sprite-based animations to color, to
three dimensions have hopefully are doing so with the convenient excuse
of sharing your love for the pocket monsters with your children. One
game for them to screw up and one for you to build your own collection
and still get all the trades and bogart all their Legendaries.
Well
it’s almost time to Pokemon Go to the polls again and there will be
plenty of rancor, muckraking, mudslinging, and butthurt for the next
year and a half. I don’t discount the efficacy of electoral politics as
much as some of my fellow lefties (who do so with good nay
GREAT cause), but race is not the only thing that needs to be won. The
White House without further gains in the House and a retaking of the
Senate won’t be able to hold up for what comes after Trump and the rally
that the Far Right will do in 2022, which will play into their hands if
the Left and Center doesn’t make good on those promises, or if they
only succeed in the return of a feckless veneer of civility. We need
substance, policy, and someone who can serve up all of that wonky,
fibrous cud in a way that will get everyone enthusiastic but not be so
ugly, either.
All
Pokemon are good and deserve love and (hot take) all the 2020
candidates will be better than what we got now. But I don’t want better.
I want the very best.
I submit the following as part one of my dissertation to fulfill the requirements for my Pokemon Professorship.
Bernie Sanders is Druddigon
The
old adage in politics used to be “Democrats fall in love; Republicans
fall in line.” In recent memory, the “winning” efforts on behalf of the
GOP were all upstart candidates (GW, DJT) whereas the losers were those
who maintained their primary also-ran status into subsequent general
elections (JM, MR).
Bernie
Sanders lost by a lot in 2016, but fulfilled his goal of pulling the
entire party left and inspired plenty of progressives to take back the
party from Centrists. The mainstream of the Democratic Party remains
Centrist Democrats who want to blame 2016 on Russian collusion and shy
from biting criticism of the American political orthodoxy that actually
delivered the election to any outsider.
Bernard
finds himself as the current front-runner in the 2020 election, which
is not an entirely enviable position. It is too early in the game and
plenty of supposed-to-wins fall by the wayside before things really get
interesting. And yet he has an inspired a solid base of progressives, is
the best shot for leftists, has the money, and while he can’t yet call
himself king, he is already a kingmaker.
Pete Buttigieg is Tynamo
Tynamo
is an easily slept-upon Pokemon. It is an Electric-type with the
Levitate ability, making it immune to the Ground attacks to which
Electric Pokemon are most vulnerable. So how does this compare to a
Midwestern mayor with a hard to pronounce name? Buttigieg has nowhere to
go but up in the contest, just like Tynamo can evolve into the truly
powerful Eelektross. He offers telegenic substance whenever he is given
the chance to speak. As a veteran he is precisely the person to take the
fight to Trump and confront the threats to the LGBTQ community this
administration has smilingly put forth.
Amy Klobuchar is Ninetales
She’s
got bonafides and the resume. If she was labeled a ‘rising star’ of the
Democratic Party ten years ago, her candidacy certainly puts her on the
national stage. Strategically, she could play well in those parts of
the country that swing blue or red depending on god only knows, but her
reputation hasn’t quite reached the Deep South Texas home of your
erstwhile author. Picking a candidate because they can win rarely works
out for anyone involved, so if she ascends it would be at the expense of
the progressive and leftist wing of the Democratic Party.
I
don’t want to comment on the stories about her treatment of her staff.
If that sort of thing skews like someone’s RateMyProfessor profile,
there’s a whole pile of unfair mess that doesn’t exculpate being a bad
boss, but merely qualifies it by saying they all do it they don’t just
all get caught. If you’re running for president, doe…
Cory Booker is Wailmer
Booker
is one of the expected contenders for 2020 who had something of a
national profile prior to the official announcement, but he seems to be
playing peacemaker among the swine and pearl-clutchers alike. His record
is especially Liberal, so maybe he’s a compromise candidate who’s going
to get demonized as an evil leftist anyway, so why play nice? If he
maintains this tone, it might speak to something that everyone feels is
buried deep within us all. The worst slings and arrows need to be for
Trump and not for your fellow Democrats, the Never Trumpers, and those
Maybe-At-One-Time-But-Not-Anymore Trumpers. We’ll have to wait and see
if he has what it takes to become a fully evolved Wailord.
Julian Castro is Growlithe
I
don’t know how he and his brother Joaquin decide who gets to run for
what. I’m all about a Hispanic president, and maybe he could lead the
way in the fight against hurtful stereotypes that twins have to put up
with. I’m just not sure if he has the chops to get it done. His
reputation hasn’t made souther than what’s somehow claimed as South
Texas (San Antonio) to real (or Deep) South Texas (the RGV), and he’s
got all the baggage of the Obama regime. It’s too easy a win for Trump,
but I’m more comfortable saying not yet instead of never. I’m sure this
is all part of the Castros’ plan at greater power and influence down the
road, as powerful Arcanines.
To be continued…
