2020 Presidential Candidates as Pokemon Pt. III

 

Elizabeth Warren is Lucario

Lucario's FIGHTING/STEEL type is another dual that covers up a strong type's weakness.
Lucario is quite effective in their other, non-Pokemon games and has quite a number of bonafides that make her a strong candidate. As a former Republican, Warren can speak to the pointlessness of compromise with the opposition in favor of their conversion if not their outright defeat. She is to the left of a lot of candidates, but still a reformer rather than a revolutionary. She's good at coming up with policy, if not yet successful at selling it all to the American people.

 

Beto O'Rourke is Pikachu 

Pikachu is not a very good Pokemon in the game.  And yet he is at the center of the story, marketing, and promotion of the series. He is an Electric type that is known all over the world. While O'Rourke isn't quite a national figure, his failed 2018 Senatorial campaign put him on the map and he has continued the high energy campaign is transitioning to visiting all 254 counties here in Texas to, all the battleground states I guess. He has a large war chest to fuel a deep run, but is weak on outright policy. But you can't put policy on a t-shirt.

Kirsten Gillibrand is Snivy

Starting Pokemon can take you to endgame (in theatres Friday), but more often than not you'll switch out for more powerful Pokemon. She got in early, and has been a very prominent Resistance figure but others have outshined everyone of her strong suits. She is currently polling pretty poorly and might not even have enough to get onto the debate stage. If she can hang in there, she might be able to Pokevolve into one of the cooler starters. I'm not writing her off.

 

 John Hickenlooper is Cacturne

Hickenlooper is an obscure candidate and a moderate/centrist Governor from Colorado. Were the path of centrism viable, he'd be a very strong candidate in the race. He doesn't check boxes I like, but he does check boxes that make sense. But we're not there and it's not because of the phantom of extremist polarization. One side does not argue or legislate in good faith and the other side is complicit so long as they get some of the profits from that dark money. Expect him to tout his late (and not initial) role on legalization if he expects to have any legs in the race.

John Delaney is Pidgeotto

 He doesn't bring anything to the table electorally, but he's an active campaigner and has the right mix of progressive leanings and insistence on working together to fix whatever the country's problems are. Fans of high quality television might be aware of his homestate, but Maryland isn't a New Hampshire or Iowa (which he's already visited thoroughly). A lot of people sleep on Pidgey, but he's one of the first Pokemon you get and can see you through a bit. Until you give someone else Flight and start to wonder why Games Workshop sees fit to make several Flying type Pokemon based on pigeons.

To be continue...

2020 Presidential Candidates As Pokemon Pt. II

Been busy. Am less so now. The candidates as Avengers meme was garbage. This is what the people really want to know. So here are five more. I will compile the whole thing when I'm done and any Pokevolutions will happen then, too.

Mike Gravel is Granbull

He's been on his shit for forty years and the world is catching up to him. A study in paradox, an online meme candidate who is also an old white dude who, if his announcement video is any indication, is very much an old man.

An outright rebuke of imperialism as its current evolved form is welcome. Not that weaponized hypocrisy is super effective, but it was one of Trump's positions that he subsequently abandoned for GOP Orthodoxy

 Andrew Yang as Psyduck

Andrew Yang is attempting to speak to the masses who are dissatisfied and disaffected by the current political establishment and the encroachment of an automative financial apocalypse. He has attempted to go viral and game the system for the Democratic debates, and wants to shock the system. Because that worked out so well last time. 

It's mind games and flim flam. Prove me wrong Yang Gang. His wasn't the most annoying candidate interview by the gushing MSNBC hosts.
 

William F. Weld is Garbodor

Weld hopes to free Republicanism from Trumpism. Nevermind that the policies of Trump are just mainstream GOP principals not even carried out to their extreme, just to their expected end. He just wants to put a proper, civil face on it. Or more appropriately, bag up the garbage instead of just keep it out in the open.

Joe Biden is Slowbro

Joe has ran before. He's ran and lost. He was indistinguishable from several other candidates during the Democratic Presidential Debates. Go back and watch SNL from ten years ago. And twenty years ago. And thirty years ago.

His two favorite targets are Trump and the burgeoning progressives and leftists that are invigorating the Democratic Party. So yeah. That's hopeful.

While he's more likely to fizzle out as people are reminded  of his voting record and creepy uncle peccadilloes, he's got name recognition and a chance. The claim is that he can stand up to Trump, but he's not regarded as a wit. He's a total bro. If he doeswin , I will go back and retcon this list to label him as Slowking. Took a while, but he got there.

Howard Schultz is Snorlax

 

He's just getting in the way of moving past all this. He gives us coffee and wants us to wake up, but he's the one who needs to wake up and get out of the way.

To be continued...

   

2020 Presidential Candidates As Pokemon Pt. I

I haven’t played Pokemon since X and Y, but a lot of you so-called grownups act like it hasn’t existed since 2016, when you all remembered how things were twenty years ago at the height of Pokemania. And those of you that have stuck with it through the transition from monochromatic, sprite-based animations to color, to three dimensions have hopefully are doing so with the convenient excuse of sharing your love for the pocket monsters with your children. One game for them to screw up and one for you to build your own collection and still get all the trades and bogart all their Legendaries.

Well it’s almost time to Pokemon Go to the polls again and there will be plenty of rancor, muckraking, mudslinging, and butthurt for the next year and a half. I don’t discount the efficacy of electoral politics as much as some of my fellow lefties (who do so with good nay GREAT cause), but race is not the only thing that needs to be won. The White House without further gains in the House and a retaking of the Senate won’t be able to hold up for what comes after Trump and the rally that the Far Right will do in 2022, which will play into their hands if the Left and Center doesn’t make good on those promises, or if they only succeed in the return of a feckless veneer of civility. We need substance, policy, and someone who can serve up all of that wonky, fibrous cud in a way that will get everyone enthusiastic but not be so ugly, either.

All Pokemon are good and deserve love and (hot take) all the 2020 candidates will be better than what we got now. But I don’t want better. I want the very best.

I submit the following as part one of my dissertation to fulfill the requirements for my Pokemon Professorship.

Bernie Sanders is Druddigon

The old adage in politics used to be “Democrats fall in love; Republicans fall in line.” In recent memory, the “winning” efforts on behalf of the GOP were all upstart candidates (GW, DJT) whereas the losers were those who maintained their primary also-ran status into subsequent general elections (JM, MR).

Bernie Sanders lost by a lot in 2016, but fulfilled his goal of pulling the entire party left and inspired plenty of progressives to take back the party from Centrists. The mainstream of the Democratic Party remains Centrist Democrats who want to blame 2016 on Russian collusion and shy from biting criticism of the American political orthodoxy that actually delivered the election to any outsider.

Bernard finds himself as the current front-runner in the 2020 election, which is not an entirely enviable position. It is too early in the game and plenty of supposed-to-wins fall by the wayside before things really get interesting. And yet he has an inspired a solid base of progressives, is the best shot for leftists, has the money, and while he can’t yet call himself king, he is already a kingmaker.

Pete Buttigieg is Tynamo

Tynamo is an easily slept-upon Pokemon. It is an Electric-type with the Levitate ability, making it immune to the Ground attacks to which Electric Pokemon are most vulnerable. So how does this compare to a Midwestern mayor with a hard to pronounce name? Buttigieg has nowhere to go but up in the contest, just like Tynamo can evolve into the truly powerful Eelektross. He offers telegenic substance whenever he is given the chance to speak. As a veteran he is precisely the person to take the fight to Trump and confront the threats to the LGBTQ community this administration has smilingly put forth.

Amy Klobuchar is Ninetales

She’s got bonafides and the resume. If she was labeled a ‘rising star’ of the Democratic Party ten years ago, her candidacy certainly puts her on the national stage. Strategically, she could play well in those parts of the country that swing blue or red depending on god only knows, but her reputation hasn’t quite reached the Deep South Texas home of your erstwhile author. Picking a candidate because they can win rarely works out for anyone involved, so if she ascends it would be at the expense of the progressive and leftist wing of the Democratic Party.

I don’t want to comment on the stories about her treatment of her staff. If that sort of thing skews like someone’s RateMyProfessor profile, there’s a whole pile of unfair mess that doesn’t exculpate being a bad boss, but merely qualifies it by saying they all do it they don’t just all get caught. If you’re running for president, doe…

Cory Booker is Wailmer

Booker is one of the expected contenders for 2020 who had something of a national profile prior to the official announcement, but he seems to be playing peacemaker among the swine and pearl-clutchers alike. His record is especially Liberal, so maybe he’s a compromise candidate who’s going to get demonized as an evil leftist anyway, so why play nice? If he maintains this tone, it might speak to something that everyone feels is buried deep within us all. The worst slings and arrows need to be for Trump and not for your fellow Democrats, the Never Trumpers, and those Maybe-At-One-Time-But-Not-Anymore Trumpers. We’ll have to wait and see if he has what it takes to become a fully evolved Wailord.

Julian Castro is Growlithe

I don’t know how he and his brother Joaquin decide who gets to run for what. I’m all about a Hispanic president, and maybe he could lead the way in the fight against hurtful stereotypes that twins have to put up with. I’m just not sure if he has the chops to get it done. His reputation hasn’t made souther than what’s somehow claimed as South Texas (San Antonio) to real (or Deep) South Texas (the RGV), and he’s got all the baggage of the Obama regime. It’s too easy a win for Trump, but I’m more comfortable saying not yet instead of never. I’m sure this is all part of the Castros’ plan at greater power and influence down the road, as powerful Arcanines.

To be continued…