2020 Presidential Candidates as Pokemon Pt. III

 

Elizabeth Warren is Lucario

Lucario's FIGHTING/STEEL type is another dual that covers up a strong type's weakness.
Lucario is quite effective in their other, non-Pokemon games and has quite a number of bonafides that make her a strong candidate. As a former Republican, Warren can speak to the pointlessness of compromise with the opposition in favor of their conversion if not their outright defeat. She is to the left of a lot of candidates, but still a reformer rather than a revolutionary. She's good at coming up with policy, if not yet successful at selling it all to the American people.

 

Beto O'Rourke is Pikachu 

Pikachu is not a very good Pokemon in the game.  And yet he is at the center of the story, marketing, and promotion of the series. He is an Electric type that is known all over the world. While O'Rourke isn't quite a national figure, his failed 2018 Senatorial campaign put him on the map and he has continued the high energy campaign is transitioning to visiting all 254 counties here in Texas to, all the battleground states I guess. He has a large war chest to fuel a deep run, but is weak on outright policy. But you can't put policy on a t-shirt.

Kirsten Gillibrand is Snivy

Starting Pokemon can take you to endgame (in theatres Friday), but more often than not you'll switch out for more powerful Pokemon. She got in early, and has been a very prominent Resistance figure but others have outshined everyone of her strong suits. She is currently polling pretty poorly and might not even have enough to get onto the debate stage. If she can hang in there, she might be able to Pokevolve into one of the cooler starters. I'm not writing her off.

 

 John Hickenlooper is Cacturne

Hickenlooper is an obscure candidate and a moderate/centrist Governor from Colorado. Were the path of centrism viable, he'd be a very strong candidate in the race. He doesn't check boxes I like, but he does check boxes that make sense. But we're not there and it's not because of the phantom of extremist polarization. One side does not argue or legislate in good faith and the other side is complicit so long as they get some of the profits from that dark money. Expect him to tout his late (and not initial) role on legalization if he expects to have any legs in the race.

John Delaney is Pidgeotto

 He doesn't bring anything to the table electorally, but he's an active campaigner and has the right mix of progressive leanings and insistence on working together to fix whatever the country's problems are. Fans of high quality television might be aware of his homestate, but Maryland isn't a New Hampshire or Iowa (which he's already visited thoroughly). A lot of people sleep on Pidgey, but he's one of the first Pokemon you get and can see you through a bit. Until you give someone else Flight and start to wonder why Games Workshop sees fit to make several Flying type Pokemon based on pigeons.

To be continue...

2020 Presidential Candidates As Pokemon Pt. II

Been busy. Am less so now. The candidates as Avengers meme was garbage. This is what the people really want to know. So here are five more. I will compile the whole thing when I'm done and any Pokevolutions will happen then, too.

Mike Gravel is Granbull

He's been on his shit for forty years and the world is catching up to him. A study in paradox, an online meme candidate who is also an old white dude who, if his announcement video is any indication, is very much an old man.

An outright rebuke of imperialism as its current evolved form is welcome. Not that weaponized hypocrisy is super effective, but it was one of Trump's positions that he subsequently abandoned for GOP Orthodoxy

 Andrew Yang as Psyduck

Andrew Yang is attempting to speak to the masses who are dissatisfied and disaffected by the current political establishment and the encroachment of an automative financial apocalypse. He has attempted to go viral and game the system for the Democratic debates, and wants to shock the system. Because that worked out so well last time. 

It's mind games and flim flam. Prove me wrong Yang Gang. His wasn't the most annoying candidate interview by the gushing MSNBC hosts.
 

William F. Weld is Garbodor

Weld hopes to free Republicanism from Trumpism. Nevermind that the policies of Trump are just mainstream GOP principals not even carried out to their extreme, just to their expected end. He just wants to put a proper, civil face on it. Or more appropriately, bag up the garbage instead of just keep it out in the open.

Joe Biden is Slowbro

Joe has ran before. He's ran and lost. He was indistinguishable from several other candidates during the Democratic Presidential Debates. Go back and watch SNL from ten years ago. And twenty years ago. And thirty years ago.

His two favorite targets are Trump and the burgeoning progressives and leftists that are invigorating the Democratic Party. So yeah. That's hopeful.

While he's more likely to fizzle out as people are reminded  of his voting record and creepy uncle peccadilloes, he's got name recognition and a chance. The claim is that he can stand up to Trump, but he's not regarded as a wit. He's a total bro. If he doeswin , I will go back and retcon this list to label him as Slowking. Took a while, but he got there.

Howard Schultz is Snorlax

 

He's just getting in the way of moving past all this. He gives us coffee and wants us to wake up, but he's the one who needs to wake up and get out of the way.

To be continued...

   

2020 Presidential Candidates As Pokemon Pt. I

I haven’t played Pokemon since X and Y, but a lot of you so-called grownups act like it hasn’t existed since 2016, when you all remembered how things were twenty years ago at the height of Pokemania. And those of you that have stuck with it through the transition from monochromatic, sprite-based animations to color, to three dimensions have hopefully are doing so with the convenient excuse of sharing your love for the pocket monsters with your children. One game for them to screw up and one for you to build your own collection and still get all the trades and bogart all their Legendaries.

Well it’s almost time to Pokemon Go to the polls again and there will be plenty of rancor, muckraking, mudslinging, and butthurt for the next year and a half. I don’t discount the efficacy of electoral politics as much as some of my fellow lefties (who do so with good nay GREAT cause), but race is not the only thing that needs to be won. The White House without further gains in the House and a retaking of the Senate won’t be able to hold up for what comes after Trump and the rally that the Far Right will do in 2022, which will play into their hands if the Left and Center doesn’t make good on those promises, or if they only succeed in the return of a feckless veneer of civility. We need substance, policy, and someone who can serve up all of that wonky, fibrous cud in a way that will get everyone enthusiastic but not be so ugly, either.

All Pokemon are good and deserve love and (hot take) all the 2020 candidates will be better than what we got now. But I don’t want better. I want the very best.

I submit the following as part one of my dissertation to fulfill the requirements for my Pokemon Professorship.

Bernie Sanders is Druddigon

The old adage in politics used to be “Democrats fall in love; Republicans fall in line.” In recent memory, the “winning” efforts on behalf of the GOP were all upstart candidates (GW, DJT) whereas the losers were those who maintained their primary also-ran status into subsequent general elections (JM, MR).

Bernie Sanders lost by a lot in 2016, but fulfilled his goal of pulling the entire party left and inspired plenty of progressives to take back the party from Centrists. The mainstream of the Democratic Party remains Centrist Democrats who want to blame 2016 on Russian collusion and shy from biting criticism of the American political orthodoxy that actually delivered the election to any outsider.

Bernard finds himself as the current front-runner in the 2020 election, which is not an entirely enviable position. It is too early in the game and plenty of supposed-to-wins fall by the wayside before things really get interesting. And yet he has an inspired a solid base of progressives, is the best shot for leftists, has the money, and while he can’t yet call himself king, he is already a kingmaker.

Pete Buttigieg is Tynamo

Tynamo is an easily slept-upon Pokemon. It is an Electric-type with the Levitate ability, making it immune to the Ground attacks to which Electric Pokemon are most vulnerable. So how does this compare to a Midwestern mayor with a hard to pronounce name? Buttigieg has nowhere to go but up in the contest, just like Tynamo can evolve into the truly powerful Eelektross. He offers telegenic substance whenever he is given the chance to speak. As a veteran he is precisely the person to take the fight to Trump and confront the threats to the LGBTQ community this administration has smilingly put forth.

Amy Klobuchar is Ninetales

She’s got bonafides and the resume. If she was labeled a ‘rising star’ of the Democratic Party ten years ago, her candidacy certainly puts her on the national stage. Strategically, she could play well in those parts of the country that swing blue or red depending on god only knows, but her reputation hasn’t quite reached the Deep South Texas home of your erstwhile author. Picking a candidate because they can win rarely works out for anyone involved, so if she ascends it would be at the expense of the progressive and leftist wing of the Democratic Party.

I don’t want to comment on the stories about her treatment of her staff. If that sort of thing skews like someone’s RateMyProfessor profile, there’s a whole pile of unfair mess that doesn’t exculpate being a bad boss, but merely qualifies it by saying they all do it they don’t just all get caught. If you’re running for president, doe…

Cory Booker is Wailmer

Booker is one of the expected contenders for 2020 who had something of a national profile prior to the official announcement, but he seems to be playing peacemaker among the swine and pearl-clutchers alike. His record is especially Liberal, so maybe he’s a compromise candidate who’s going to get demonized as an evil leftist anyway, so why play nice? If he maintains this tone, it might speak to something that everyone feels is buried deep within us all. The worst slings and arrows need to be for Trump and not for your fellow Democrats, the Never Trumpers, and those Maybe-At-One-Time-But-Not-Anymore Trumpers. We’ll have to wait and see if he has what it takes to become a fully evolved Wailord.

Julian Castro is Growlithe

I don’t know how he and his brother Joaquin decide who gets to run for what. I’m all about a Hispanic president, and maybe he could lead the way in the fight against hurtful stereotypes that twins have to put up with. I’m just not sure if he has the chops to get it done. His reputation hasn’t made souther than what’s somehow claimed as South Texas (San Antonio) to real (or Deep) South Texas (the RGV), and he’s got all the baggage of the Obama regime. It’s too easy a win for Trump, but I’m more comfortable saying not yet instead of never. I’m sure this is all part of the Castros’ plan at greater power and influence down the road, as powerful Arcanines.

To be continued…

Review of Mariguano by Juan Ochoa

Set on the Texas/Mexico border during the early years of Reagan’s “War on Drugs,” Mariguano tells the story of contrabandisto Don Julio Cortina’s ill-fated attempt to secure the Plaza at a national level by fixing the 1988 Mexican Presidential elections. - Texas Review Press

You know how Mariguano will end, whether or not you do your due diligence and preread like a good boy. It's got all your basic food groups. Drugs. Sex. Lots of bullets. And enough blood to wash it all down good. It's important for a growing boy to get enough to eat. And this is bildungsroman, after all. So how do we get to that inevitable end and do we believe that they would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids?

The book is written from Don Julio's son El Johnny's point of view and we are not privy to any of the permutations or vicissitudes of the Mexican drug trade that the narrator does not witness firsthand. This is effective in believably establishing the romanticized mysteriousness that often surrounds criminal paterfamilias such as Don Julio. He is never a literal presence in the narrator or his family's life for very long. But he casts a long shadow. El Johnny frequently has to wait by the phone, on either side of the border, for his father to call with marching orders. We never know if the ringing will herald a bundle of cash, drugs, or news of a deal gone wrong, of money owed, of the call to war.

When he is home, Don Julio is henpecked by his wife for more of his ill-gotten gains and there's never enough and it's always something. It'd feel like a sitcom if Don Julio was going to a bar instead of a shake down. But even when their ship comes in (or truck, rather, that has to make it past the scrutiny of the secured border as well as the Border Patrol's checkpoints fifty or so miles in), Don Julio always takes whatever cash has been paid or tipped to El Johnny to show him who's in charge. At first, Don Julio's success can justify this as a sort of apprenticeship in the underworld for El Johnny, a tough love reminder of who's the boss and what El Jonny will be able to do when it's his turn. If it gets to be his turn.

As a fan of and writer of speculative fiction, I can't help but analogize the figurative monsters of organized crime to the literal ones. One trope that doesn't get examined enough is the society of monsters. I don't care about the solitary, invulnerable, and indiscriminate killers who are alone in their neighborhood or campground. I like it when I see a world that's a reflection of ours and alive, but for those things that live in the shadows. Vastly powerful, ancient, and evil creatures rarely engage one another. They jealously guard their domains, holding sway over business or the law, and grow fat off the misery and suffering of their victims until someone's had enough. Or a younger monster tries to take what he wants with this new found power. Hubris brings down these fiends within striking distance of those mere god-fearing mortals, like us. Or the monsters win. Or we join them.

Mariguano answers the questions raised by critical fans of such work clamoring for the next Freddy Vs. Jason, Godzilla, or Pacific Rim movie: Why do the monsters hide? Why don't they fight? Although we never see Don Julio have the piles of money that Heisenberg had locked away in a storage unit on Breaking Bad, and even though he's always hustling for the next payday or driving around and doling out the necessary bluster and beatings (to support his increasingly affluent family's lifestyle as well as fuel his growing appetites for women and drugs); Don Julio reaches the height of power and influence in the criminal underworld.

Despite this he must stay in the shadows because, like the mafiosos of The Sopranos or Scorsese's films, they are monsters and sociopaths who cannot kill whomever they want whenever they want even though they take whatever they want and can and do kill. They are bound by their own secret society's rules and restrictions, just like vampires can't go out in the sun or take sustenance from anything but blood and human suffering (even if the predation feels euphoric and orgasmic until it degenerates into the desperate necessity of addiction). The rules keep everyone in line until someone thinks they're powerful enough to ignore them and make a play at becoming top banana. Someone with a shorter fuse or more bullets or less apprehension about what everyone thinks of his reputation. Most of them fail and die. But those ancient monsters are ultimately no different than their would-be successors or replacements, and so the reset button gets pressed and the game restarts with some new players and some old.

The misogyny and racism in other tales of organized crime is represented in Mariguano and this is not surprising. Sons are still heirs to their father's holdings and expected to seek vengeance when those fathers meet their expected end. Women are sex objects and commodities or piece of designer furniture if they have the good sense to preserve their virtue until they can transform into the Holy Mary. Machismo and Marianismo taint Mexican culture and it'd be naive to expect a criminal subculture built on violence and exploitation to be anything remotely resembling progressive.

Warranted or not (in a novel focusing on the exploits of a crime boss and his family, not real life), as a Mexican El Johnny faces suspicion and exclusion on this side of the border. They have their place no doubt El Johnny's experiences mirror many minorities even today. On the other side Mexicans wear their national and racial identity as badges of honor and pride. They are only inferior to their most important neighbor to the north when it comes to hypocrisy.

I binged The Sopranos recently and these attitudes were striking when you consider that the show represents the world of just fifteen years ago, even to one who vehemently rejects the notion of a post racial America. But it is no less troublesome when one realizes that Mariguano is set thirty and not fifty or sixty years ago. The lesson to take from these issues is not to conceal these attitudes or censor them from art, but to never forget them lest we find ourselves at risk of taking a step back.

Were its insight merely historical and political, Mariguano would warrant reading and placement on the shelf among similar works of art and literature that focus on the various modern criminal subcultures. Easily overlooked while one joneses for understanding of the world of organized crime in Mexico (which by nature of the narrative is limited, but Breaking Bad didn't tell you exactly how to make meth) is El Johnny's pursuit of Mexcian law and the price of freedom in Mexico's legal system. He learns how much crime costs and to whom to send the check. Like in America, freedom isn't free.

The tone would be comparable to Burroughs' Junkie but Ole' Bill cooks his detached, scientific curiosity and strung out augury into a synthesis that's more journalistic up until it gets outright freaky.  We are always right besides El Johnny, thrilled until we're terrified. Then numb. Don Julio's rise, at first, does not seem entirely Shakespearean because we don't know how he got so high (except when we see him getting high). But his fall.

Rating:

[√]BOOK IT.  [ ]eBook it.  [ ]Check it out.  [ ]Skip it.  [ ]Burn it.

(Disclaimer: I know the author and he is a friend of mine.)